It's not up to you, it never really was

Jay and I have been going through a rough couple of weeks, at times it seemed as though all the work we had been doing to improve our relationship was being destroyed. We got into an argument Tuesday night and I went to bed pretty upset over all of it. We emailed at work yesterday and settled our disagreements, not the best time to do it but we work with what we have. I didn’t hear from him after our morning emails and I figured he was just busy or reflecting on our conversation. I came home and put the key in the door to find that it was open and Jay was sitting on the couch. He had been laid off with no notice. Everything we’d argued about the day before seemed so pointless, so meaningless and suddenly everything important came to light. I tried my best to be positive and reassuring and let him know that I was happy to take care of him until he found a new job…we should be able to depend on each other, especially in times like these. He is very worried, concerned, disheartened over this.

This is a trying time for us, we’d hope to get married and buy a home within the next year and this is a major setback. We are not alone, there are many people around this country losing their jobs and homes…I am grateful that it is just the two of us, I couldn’t imagine having a child and the amount of stress that would bring.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

 

Play in the ashes

Ok, I see now that I’ve been in a rut for a few weeks…the past few entries have made that blatantly obvious to me. Now that I realize that I’m going to do something about it, I’m going to get inspired.

Twitter has become an amazing way for me to connect with like-minded, creative, crafty people and I want to use that to my advantage. I’m going to start on a new project; a dress, an apron…something to get my spark back. I know I can make something out of my ability, I just need to go ahead and do it.

I’m also going to re-enroll in Tribal Fusion, I need this in my life and I didn’t realize how vital it was until I gave up on it.

I’m a quitter, I’m known for procrastinating and being irresponsible(just look at my credit score for proof). I have no real reason for being this way and I need to fucking grow up and stop it already. If I feel my creativity draining away in this cubicle then I should be doing things outside of work that inspire, not sitting on my ass watching TV. I want to pay back my debts, start selling my clothing, lose those last 7 lbs, get married and have a family…is that too much to ask for? I want everything and I’m not doing anything at the moment to make that happen, so why am I so sad? I need to get angry with myself for wasting time and get on the fucking ball.

…and maybe stop cursing like a sailor…

 

 

p.s.

Found the purrrfect gift for Jay’s 30^th birthday, the Ion Drum Rocker! Ordering it at the end of this month (even though his birthday isn’t til the end of July). Maybe I’ll throw him a surprise Rock Band Birthday Party to celebrate!

Is it medicine?

I fell asleep last night at 7:30, didn’t wake up until this morning (ten hours later) when my alarm went off.

I had a crazy dream that took place during the morning hours, it was strange and creepy and I have no idea where it came from.

I was taking a trip to see my friend Lisa. She lived in a densely populated city; the landscape was nothing but tall dark buildings, concrete and people walking quickly to their destination. The sky was dark, it seemed to be on the verge of rain. I met with Lisa while walking up a steep incline, we spoke for a few moments. I noticed an old friend, Nichole, hurrying toward us…she and Lisa had also been friends in the past but didn’t part on friendly terms (according to my dream). It was a bit uncomfortable and I remember joking about the situation in an attempt to ease their mood. Eventually they began talking and laughing and totally forgot that I was standing there. Somehow this took a bad turn and they were saying mean things to me (cant recall what exactly) and so I left the group and started back up the incline. I called Jay (through telepathy?) and he showed up by my side. As we walked down the street I realized I was pregnant. The next thing I knew we were trapped in this underground sewer system type place. Nichole was there with her husband and there were a few other groups of people wandering around as well. Everyone was panicked and trying to climb out, we could see the sky above us but we were trapped by a large grated lid. There were bugs covering the floor, so many bugs that we couldn’t see the ground. Jay set me on top of a table and sat beside me, I began to have contractions. In the confusion I heard Nichole screaming and realized she was also pregnant and giving birth. I told Jay he’d have to deliver the baby and the next thing I knew it was right beside me. Over an intercom I heard a voice saying “the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck, it will die if you don’t remove the cord”. Jay removed the cord and we all looked around stunned. It was just then that we noticed an old elevator right in front of us, it had no doors but was more like an open crate. We jumped in and the rest followed, not everyone fit. There was a young couple that was stranded in the sewer system and as we were lifted up we saw the bugs covering them until they disappeared.

We were met at the top by a friendly looking woman who helped me to a bed to rest and recover from giving birth. Jay was whisked away from me and became very nervous. At some point I woke from resting, I was very groggy as if I had been drugged. The room was dark and looked old, as if no had used it for many years. I stumbled to my feet and tried to walk around, calling for Jay and hoping that he’d hear me. I made my way out of the room and into a large banquet room. There were hundreds of people there, eating and laughing. They were all staring at me with a strange sort of smirk on their lips. I found the “nurse” and she gave me some food, I was starving and asking for Jay in between bites. She kept filling my plate even after I told her I was full…she persisted and it was then that I began to look around. I noticed to my horror that they were eating people. She was feeding me so that I would be nice and fat and ready to be cooked. I tried to run away…

 

I woke up at this point in the dream and I was totally freaked out. Our apartment was dark and still and I just imagined that woman waiting for me in the hallway. I got up and got ready for work and here I am…I still cant get that dream out of my head though. What makes me come up with all of these crazy scenarios?

 

 

Graceful Swans of Never

I am so fucking tired. I’ve had two sodas and I still feel like I could crash. This weekend was both horrible and fantastic; I have my family to thank for the latter. I got to spend time with my mom and a couple of my sisters on Saturday and then the whole family on Sunday for Mother’s Day…I like being around them.

Lots of foreshadowing this weekend, my mind is never made up but sometimes it’s so blatantly obvious I feel like an idiot for not recognizing it. Every single time I’m back in deeper than before. I’m a bit reluctant and trying to make that plain, I won’t crumble at the thought anymore, I can’t allow it. It was said, it can’t be taken back and if nothing else, I’m glad that I know. I’m getting those heavy red bricks and a little batch of that grey stuff and I’m building a new wall in between us…enough was said that I feel justified in that. Why ask me if I’m ok? How will I ever be ok if this continues, if those sharp knives keep making an appearance? Either he’s really dumb or a master at work.

He hated my tears first, then you and now me.

Maybe Olive feels it too…she’s been sleeping under the computer desk, she doesn’t want to come out. She tolerates me when I pull her out to pet her and take her outside for some fresh air, then its right back under the desk. She is unhappy.

Too many dreary posts lately, maybe I shouldn’t write until things are better…

Fish, Fish I Got My Wish!

Yesterday ended up being quiet wonderful once I got home. Jay was very perceptive and took great care with me and my very strange mood. I took a long shath (shower/bath of course) and put my most comfy clothes on; pj pants and a tee. I sank my roots into the couch and had a lovely evening.

 Today is a new day and while I’m not feeling completely fantastic, I do feel a slight improvement. I think it’s this place, my office…my small cubicle, sitting in front of a monitor all day, processing one claim after another. I am very grateful to have a job, I know there are many out there struggling, I just hate that my creative passion is dwindling away. I know it’s this place. I’ve been dreaming of starting a clothing line, maybe just some Cosplay to start..i’ve been totally lagging on that. I have to find my spark again.

I’m really excited for the plan to have my sister and my mom over this Saturday to bead. While it’s super fun to make necklaces and what not, it’s really spending time with them and laughing that I love. I’m going to make breakfast burritos with egg, bacon, potatoes and of course cheeeesse! I get to show off the new curtains we just put up over the weekend…we’re Ikea whores. I cant help it, I love all the ideas I get when I go to the store  and the price is always right.

I’ve lost some weight but not as much as I wanted. I’ve sort of stepped back from the diet and exercise, I’ve made a lot of really convincing excuses but the is that I’ve gotten lazy over the past two weeks. Once this hellish week is over I will be returning to the Cardio/Yoga sections of On Demand.

…I shouldn’t have eaten that ½ lb of chocolate I bought in San Francisco.

 

 

D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

I’ve been sort of dragging lately, feeling that I’m on the outside of things. Something over the weekend set it off, I don’t know exactly what but it caused those memories to come crashing back in and I got that horrible, no good, very bad feeling. UGH. Days like today are only manageable if I’m allowed to stay in my pjs at home, with lots of stupid movies to watch…The Burbs, Ghostbusters, Shawn of the Dead, or maybe even full seasons of TV shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and Lost….

My self-esteem is at an all time low today. If I could just stay away from certain web pages and lines of thought I think I’d be ok. I usually set myself up… I know I have this hyper-active imagination that wants to cook up crazy scenarios and instead of just avoiding the cause of my over-analyzing, I walk right into it. I really need to relax.

What’s with all those hyphens???

Does anyone even read this? I guess it doesn’t matter.