Every word rings true

Hey Jupiter

 

No ones picking up the phone

Guess it’s me and me and this little masochist

She’s ready to confess all the things that I never thought that she could feel

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be, with you, something new

Sometimes I breathe you in and I know you know

Sometimes you take a swim, found your writing on my wall

If my heart’s soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

And I thought you wouldn’t have to keep, with me, hiding

Thought I knew myself so well, all the dolls I have

Took my leather off the shelf

Your apocalypse was felt

For a girl who couldn’t choose between a shower or the bath

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be, with you, a magazine

No one’s picking up the phone

Guess it’s clear he’s gone

And this little masochist is lifting up her dress

Guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you safe, now we’re through

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

 

 

 

 

Caught a lite sneeze

I don’t like being mean; sincerely. I hate it. I am now put in this position where I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth or the promises of a better future. I want to so bad but I cant this time. I am mad, so unbelievably angry that I don’t know how to deal. I don’t want to take it out on him and I haven’t yet but I worry that I will. A part of me says “so what if I do?! See what he did to me???” I feel justified in being angry but at the same time I loathe the feeling. I just want to be happy and love him the same way I have for the past five years and just pretend none of this happened but I can’t. It is mentally impossible for me to move past this so easily. I know that I deserve better but there are times when I’m thinking (all I do at work is think, daydream, wonder) and I get so sad. I wonder how this person that I knew could lie so cleverly to me,  how I could mean so little. It reminds me of a line in a Tori Amos song “didn’t know our love was so small”.

I’ve learned a lot about people lately, how deceitful, jealous, and just plain old fake they are. It makes me so grateful for my family, my mother, sisters and brother who are my closest and at times my only friends. All I need is my family.

What is your definition of love? I am no longer a Christian but I still stand by the old verse that goes something like, Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, keeps no record of wrongs… My family has taught me the meaning of love, no matter what each of us is going through, no matter how many times we’ve hurt one another and we still love each other unconditionally. I took what I learned and applied it to my relationship with Jay. I have forgiven him many times and always loved him through every hurdle we encountered and what do I get in return? In his very own words he told me that he took advantage of me, that he didn’t appreciate or understand what unconditional really meant.

It makes me heart hurt.  

How do I deal with this struggle of walking the line between mean and assertive, wanting to forgive and being walked on?…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Nothing makes sense.

Soil, Soil

Being lied to is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to do. This situation has gotten so far out of hand that I cannot trust one word that comes out of his mouth. He is like a completely different person to me now. How can I ever possibly regain any sense of safety and trust again? First it was “the incident” and in the process of trying to recover from that, I get fed another lie. Do I have “idiot” or “doormat” stamped on my forehead? Are there any men out there that are honest?

I’m disgusted by the chain of events that have taken place over this past week.

 

Soma

Nothing left to say

All I’ve left to do is run away from you

She led me on, down with secrets I can’t keep

Close your eyes and sleep

Don’t wait up for me

Hush now don’t you speak to me

Wrap my hurt in you

And took my shelter in that pain

The opiate of blame is your broken heart

So now i’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

I’ll betray my tears to anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss for me

One last kiss good night

Didn’t want to lose you once again

Didn’t want to be your friend

Fulfill a promise made of tears

And crawl back to you

I’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

I’ll betray my tears to anyone lost, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again

On that you can depend on me

Until the bitter, bitter end of the world

When good sleeps in bliss

I’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

And I’ll betray myself

To anyone