Here, there must be something here.

I uploaded TOOL, Tori and Bjork to my iphone last night. I think that’s what has gotten me in such an emotional state. I feel that when I listen to these voices I’m hearing from higher beings and they have so much to teach me and show me. I am relieved that I can still be completely immersed in a song and allow my surroundings to disappear. I’m in such a state…I can’t explain. I’ve let strangers or people that might as well be strangers walk all over me…im on pins and needles, waiting to be accepted by individuals that don’t have strong character or morals or any real reason for me to desire their presence in my life. I’ve tried to befriend someone in particular over and over again and I cannot for the life of me comprehend why. At the same time I don’t think I truly appreciate those that really would like to get to know me. I’m weary of people that like me, I don’t trust their motives and yet I’m drawn to those that ignore me. She really isn’t anything special…as a matter of fact she’s shown her true colors several times. Perhaps that is why I feel a need to be closer, so I can watch her and prevent her from harming me or my life. I could just be paranoid but shit like this has happened in the past.

I feel hyper-sensitive to everything today.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself to this world with its corporations and governments and religions and wars. I wish I could go far away from everything and live a self-sustainable life up on a mountain top. That feeling never leaves me. I want to be closer to the earth.

Jay and I work a regular 40 hr work week at jobs that don’t express how creative we are but we have chosen this life. We understand that we must work to provide a stable life for not only ourselves but our unborn children. For the most part this exchange of work for financial & personal security is peaceful one but at times I yearn to just get away from all the noise a city brings. Today just happens to be one of those days.

To be completely honest, I’d be so perfectly happy staying at home raising a child, baking, cooking and cleaning. This goes against every feminist instinct that has grown inside of me but I can’t deny it, I just want to be a mother and caregiver.

So many of my family and friends discuss their religion, politics and their versions of life, death and the afterlife without any hesitation, why do I feel like I need to be so considerate of others’ feelings? I have firm beliefs on many things but I usually keep them to myself because I am in the minority and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. How can it be so easy for some to throw caution to the wind and be themselves completely? I want to be true to myself at all times but sometimes it feels like too much trouble. I hold my anger and resentment inside. I don’t know what to do about this.

I have some time alone this evening and I hope to make the most of it. I need to listen to music more often, make time for that which feeds my soul.

Sometimes I miss the drugs.  

Merman

My lovely boyfriend is turning 31 on Monday. I am throwing him a party (gasp!) this weekend to celebrate. To better understand how utterly grand this is you must know he has not commemorated his birthday with a party since he was a child. I did sneak a cake to the cabin last summer while we vacationed with my family, everyone sang him happy birthday and he was mortified…but he had a great time with it all. This year im going all out, his family is coming over to see our new house and my family is coming over as well. This is the first time our two sides of the family are going to really have the chance to mingle. Our mothers met a few years back but that was under the strenuous circumstance of my grandfather’s death…you see his mother was my grandfather’s childhood friend and we had no idea about this until after we were together. There are far too many synchronicities in our two lives to mention and im totally getting off topic. I am thrilled that we will have hours to watch our two families interact; he on the other hand is terrified. I am inviting my little ladies Bailey and Eileen over to help me make cupcakes and then we will adorn every room with crepe paper and balloons. He and I agreed on a strict no decoration policy for this party but I had my fingers and toes crossed when I made that pledge. He’s spoken at length about his “need” for an iPhone and the circumstances were just right and I was able to make it happen. He’ll be making the move from a teeny tiny piece of shit phone to a glorious display of technology :)  <- If you think that’s a bit of an over-exaggeration you should listen to him go on about it. On Sunday I have yet another cupcake order to fulfill, I am excited to try out my new hot pic gel coloring for this little girl’s pink and zebra themed party. I’m also anxious to try out my new mixer that I purchased at Sur La Table today. I hope Sunday will prove to be a relaxing day at home with my Jay. I wish you all a wonderful, relaxing weekend filled with sunshine and perhaps a slip n slide.

Little Laika

Today is the first day since our move that i have been able to just relax. It seems like there is always something going on. This morning i picked up our new baby puppy from HOPE which is an animal hospital that specializes in the spay and neutering of dogs and cats. This was the first night we spent without her sleeping comfortably between us...oh let me back up a bit, we decided a few weeks ago to adopt a Pit Bull from the Fresno Bully Rescue. We came to this decision after a lengthy talk with my tattoo artist and friend, Lisa while she was tattooing me. She was very happy with her new pitty and it got along well her kitties. After a home check we were able to visit with the litter and we immediately fell in love with Laika. Shes an adorable mass of energy. We named her Laika in honor of the first dog that was sent into space by the Russians. She has brought such joy to my life in these past couple of weeks, i'm so happy to have her as a part of our little family.

In other good news, I've made an appointment to see a therapist in hopes of overcoming my anxiety. This is the first time I've ever gone through with this and I am so proud of myself. I see so many positive things in the future! I promise to make more time for writing and updating as I take more proactive steps towards an anxiety-free life :) Good night lovely bloggers. 

Don't disturb the beast while he is feeding on the rose

 

I’ve been gone for a few weeks; hope you all have been enjoying the summer thus far. We made the move into our new home and I do feel quite comfy already. Pippin loves all the extra space and the backyard with all the flying, crawling and squirming creatures. She makes a habit of killing and eating at least one fly a day. So many new things are circling our life right now, it’s all very exciting!

I got my first tattoo on Friday and it was quite the experience. My beautiful, creative friends (and belly dance instructor) Lisa punctured my skin with a needle and various colors to make my tattoo dream come true.

   The horses are from the cover of the My Brightest Diamond Album, Tear It Down. If the name sounds familiar it’s because it is also the name of my blog :) That album had such an impact on me when I was going through a very difficult time with Jay. I’d often go to the local park and smoke a little, write a bit and listen to this album. The quote is “and the gunslinger followed”, which is the first line from my favorite Stephen King series The Dark Tower…the flowers are just a beautiful addition :)  I have a feeling this is the first of many.

 

Another piece of great news, we will be getting puppy in the coming weeks!!! This is our first doggie together and we are SO excited! We decided to adopt through Fresno Bully Rescue, a local Pit Bull rescue after talking to Lisa about her experience with them and how much she loves her new pit Milly. We have gone through the home inspection and our application was approved! Next step is choosing our new pup from the litter and taking him/her home on the 10^th. We are thrilled to say the least.

 

Hope you enjoy these sunny, warm days. I leave you with this very distinguished photo of our dear one. She is quite handsome.

 

Pack 'em up and move 'em out

One week into packing and I am exhausted! We move in to our home next weekend and it is a mix of excitement, stress and sadness. Moving into this house also means that my sister and brother-in-law are moving out…moving to Alabama for an entire year for Ryan’s schooling.  :(   They might as well be on the other side of the planet.

 

I came home to an empty dining room, our table and various other large items have been moved to the new place. That brought it all to the forefront, we are leaving this place that we made a home for the past three years. I’ve only lived in two places my entire life, my childhood home and this apartment. We have gone through so many ups and downs in this place, we lost two of our dear kitties while living in this home, had a million arguments, worked though our personal demons, danced, cried, drank, sang, and cooked some of the best dinners ever. This wonderful little apartment has been our own little world, we could shut the door on reality and find our own piece of happiness. I honestly wasn’t sure we’d make the first year but we tripled that. I have learned so much while living here. Aaaaaaahhh…its all starting to hit me!

 

I am on the other hand sooooo excited about having our very own home! Now I will be able to plant a garden, read in a hammock under the trees, and Pippin will have so much space to play and explore. No more walking up and down the dreaded stairs with groceries :)

 

Today there will be more packing, more moving of smaller items and the apartment will become more and more bare. I will try my best to revel in the change instead of shying away from it, this feels like our time.

 

TAGGARRIIFFIICCCC!

May is taking her last breaths and I am enjoying every remant spring has to offer. The loverly el rondielle has tagged me in a blog game and I am thrilled!
Here are the questions she has asked me

1. Everyone resembles an animal to some extent. What animal do you resemble?

I am a feline all the way.

2. What is your favourite singing in the shower/car song?

This usually varies from day to day depending on my everchanging mood but the song i always fall back on is the cover of Feeling Good by My Brightest Diamond. She has the voice of a goddess. "its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me and im feeling good"

3. If you had to choose, which artist would you commission to paint/draw/etch/sketch/construct a portrait of you?
I have a place in my heart of Salvador Dali. I'd like to know what he sees when he looks at me, maybe a tree growing from rough soil with branches bearing hearts a la Bjork? ahhh...i love him... and her for that matter.


4. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?
Purrrfect question! I have discussed this very topic many times. We have a local family owned italian restauant called DiCicco's, they make the most wonderful cheese calzone. You may be saying to yourself, just a cheese calzone? But let me assure you my friend this is a little piece of deliciously cheesy heaven. What more in life do you need besides cheese? oh and chocolate...ok and love.

5. What was the first record/cd that you owned?
My first record was the Ghostbusters soundtrack. I used to dance around in the livingroom with my brother and sisters to all of those rad songs :) The music may not have stood the test of time but Ghostbusters is still one of my favorite movies to this day.

6. If you could have mind reading powers for the day, whose mind would you read?
Oh well my boyfriends of course! It would probably be a lot of  "i want to download this song" or "i want to buy this new videogame" but im dying to get a peek inside that head! I'd also like to dip into the minds of random co-workers, i would like to know what impression i give them. I'd like to know, in general, if other people are as crazy as i am. My mind moves a mile a minute, I analyze to a fault and I can be hard on myself...I want to know if other seemingly "normal" people have the same vices.

7. Which actor/actress would you choose to play you in the story of your life?

I would love to have Audrey Tautou star in the story of my life. I have been told that I resemble her and I'll take that compliment, she is so lovely.






8. What is your greatest talent?

I have a few hobbies/practices that i hold dear but my first love is sewing. I began creating my own clothes when i was in 10th grade, that is over 10years ago whew! I used to use my mom's old sewing machine. I'd visit the local fabric store and make very simple things like pencil skirts. I eventually moved up to a Babylock and I have my own little work station in our spare bedroom. Here are a few of my creations :)

I would like to invite The Body Electric, Perhaps Some Other Aeon, el rondielle, ecological storyteller and all those that find my questions interesting to please feel free to consider yourself tagged. I'd love to know every little thing about each of you!

Here are my questions:

1. If you could live one day in the shoes of someone close to you who would it be and why?

2. Which album has made the greatest impact on your life thus far?

3. If you could change one thing about your life, past/present what would it be?

4. What color are your toe nails today?

5. Do you believe UFOs are real?

6. Is there anything better than a dark, rainy day?

Cupcakes!

I love cupcakes. I discovered this about a year ago while watching Paula Deen make red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I had to try it for myself and it was a complete success! I’ve been designated as the official cupcake maker in the family and I use every holiday or family event to try out something new. Now that Jay has completed schooling and found a great job, I can move forward with plans to attend a local culinary school and fulfill my dream of being a pastry chef. We have been discussing the idea of opening up a cupcake shop sometime in the next few years and I am finally beginning to see the actual possibility of this. I don’t know nearly enough but I have the talent and that’s a great place to start. Today I got the call i've been waiting for, a friend ordered 70 cupcakes for a surprise party. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time as this is my first real commission. Wish me luck!

Calm under the waves

I have the evening to myself, it's such a rare treat that I dont know what to do with myself...sew, read, yoga? Yes to all of the above! I've started off my windy solitude by stealing a few photos of my quiet apartment.

Cloudbusting

I’m starting this up again in hopes that it will spark some creativity within me. I feel so boring as of late and I haven’t done much to remedy the situation until now.  I think this is a good start.

Life has been moving along quite smoothly. While I do enjoy the little bubble Jay and I live in I feel the need to reconnect with more females in my age group, with my interests. Something is lost in not having those types of connections with other women. I think I sort of gave up on friends because I’ve been disappointed by them over the years. When I really think about it I’ve never had a loyal, trustworthy friend in my life. Jay is definitely my best friend and can be so many things to me…but a girl is definitely something he will never be. I’m starting another tribal belly dancing class this summer and I can hardly stand the wait! Dancing has always been so important to me and I just know that this will lighten my spirit.

There are so many changes coming our way in the next year or so. Everything was moving at a snails pace and now it’s like dominos falling. Next month we will be moving into our first home together, we’re going to rent my sister’s house while she and her husband are stationed in Alabama. We consider this a trial run; practice for our very own home which we will be buying after the year is up. Jay started a new job yesterday and with that comes the promise of a wedding and…drum roll please…..a baby! I’m so very excited for all our plans. Being a mother, preparing my body for this, preparing my mind for this is the most important thing to me right now. With that comes the need to resolve some important things from my past.

I am trying so desperately hard to stop with the self-mutilation. It is not extreme, there are no sharp objects involved but it is still a day to day struggle. From what I’ve read this is very common in children and adults that have been sexually abused. When I was younger I used to use pins or tacks to carve into my skin, I never thought anything of it until I spoke to Jay about this. It opened up my eyes. Now I just sort of pick at myself, any little imperfection…anywhere. It’s disgusting and im totally disgusted with myself but I feel a sort of freedom in admitting it to whomever is reading this. Doing it relieves anxiety in some strange way, I suffer a great deal from anxiety…I’ve never taken any meds for that. I just know I’d get addicted to them. I am improving. I don’t do it as much and when I notice myself doing it I try really hard to stop. I try to remind myself of how I feel afterward. As I type this I find myself pausing to scan my cuticles, doing what I’ve just told myself I wouldnt. It’s hard not to get down on myself, negative self-talk is my specialty. Jay reminds me all the time of how much faith he has in me and the changes I am making, he tells me I’m beautiful when I do want to look in the mirror. I am so grateful to have a man that loves me and supports me through everything, I feel like I am completely myself around him and I am never judged. I am so blessed to have him.

Wow, I didn’t plan on all of this but I’m glad to have a space to collect my thoughts and record them. I’m hoping to come back to this a year from now and mark all the changes I’ve made. Life can be difficult sometimes but I have found that if I just relax things seem to go easily…now if I can just learn to relax :)