Here, there must be something here.

I uploaded TOOL, Tori and Bjork to my iphone last night. I think that’s what has gotten me in such an emotional state. I feel that when I listen to these voices I’m hearing from higher beings and they have so much to teach me and show me. I am relieved that I can still be completely immersed in a song and allow my surroundings to disappear. I’m in such a state…I can’t explain. I’ve let strangers or people that might as well be strangers walk all over me…im on pins and needles, waiting to be accepted by individuals that don’t have strong character or morals or any real reason for me to desire their presence in my life. I’ve tried to befriend someone in particular over and over again and I cannot for the life of me comprehend why. At the same time I don’t think I truly appreciate those that really would like to get to know me. I’m weary of people that like me, I don’t trust their motives and yet I’m drawn to those that ignore me. She really isn’t anything special…as a matter of fact she’s shown her true colors several times. Perhaps that is why I feel a need to be closer, so I can watch her and prevent her from harming me or my life. I could just be paranoid but shit like this has happened in the past.

I feel hyper-sensitive to everything today.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself to this world with its corporations and governments and religions and wars. I wish I could go far away from everything and live a self-sustainable life up on a mountain top. That feeling never leaves me. I want to be closer to the earth.

Jay and I work a regular 40 hr work week at jobs that don’t express how creative we are but we have chosen this life. We understand that we must work to provide a stable life for not only ourselves but our unborn children. For the most part this exchange of work for financial & personal security is peaceful one but at times I yearn to just get away from all the noise a city brings. Today just happens to be one of those days.

To be completely honest, I’d be so perfectly happy staying at home raising a child, baking, cooking and cleaning. This goes against every feminist instinct that has grown inside of me but I can’t deny it, I just want to be a mother and caregiver.

So many of my family and friends discuss their religion, politics and their versions of life, death and the afterlife without any hesitation, why do I feel like I need to be so considerate of others’ feelings? I have firm beliefs on many things but I usually keep them to myself because I am in the minority and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. How can it be so easy for some to throw caution to the wind and be themselves completely? I want to be true to myself at all times but sometimes it feels like too much trouble. I hold my anger and resentment inside. I don’t know what to do about this.

I have some time alone this evening and I hope to make the most of it. I need to listen to music more often, make time for that which feeds my soul.

Sometimes I miss the drugs.  

Merman

My lovely boyfriend is turning 31 on Monday. I am throwing him a party (gasp!) this weekend to celebrate. To better understand how utterly grand this is you must know he has not commemorated his birthday with a party since he was a child. I did sneak a cake to the cabin last summer while we vacationed with my family, everyone sang him happy birthday and he was mortified…but he had a great time with it all. This year im going all out, his family is coming over to see our new house and my family is coming over as well. This is the first time our two sides of the family are going to really have the chance to mingle. Our mothers met a few years back but that was under the strenuous circumstance of my grandfather’s death…you see his mother was my grandfather’s childhood friend and we had no idea about this until after we were together. There are far too many synchronicities in our two lives to mention and im totally getting off topic. I am thrilled that we will have hours to watch our two families interact; he on the other hand is terrified. I am inviting my little ladies Bailey and Eileen over to help me make cupcakes and then we will adorn every room with crepe paper and balloons. He and I agreed on a strict no decoration policy for this party but I had my fingers and toes crossed when I made that pledge. He’s spoken at length about his “need” for an iPhone and the circumstances were just right and I was able to make it happen. He’ll be making the move from a teeny tiny piece of shit phone to a glorious display of technology :)  <- If you think that’s a bit of an over-exaggeration you should listen to him go on about it. On Sunday I have yet another cupcake order to fulfill, I am excited to try out my new hot pic gel coloring for this little girl’s pink and zebra themed party. I’m also anxious to try out my new mixer that I purchased at Sur La Table today. I hope Sunday will prove to be a relaxing day at home with my Jay. I wish you all a wonderful, relaxing weekend filled with sunshine and perhaps a slip n slide.

Little Laika

Today is the first day since our move that i have been able to just relax. It seems like there is always something going on. This morning i picked up our new baby puppy from HOPE which is an animal hospital that specializes in the spay and neutering of dogs and cats. This was the first night we spent without her sleeping comfortably between us...oh let me back up a bit, we decided a few weeks ago to adopt a Pit Bull from the Fresno Bully Rescue. We came to this decision after a lengthy talk with my tattoo artist and friend, Lisa while she was tattooing me. She was very happy with her new pitty and it got along well her kitties. After a home check we were able to visit with the litter and we immediately fell in love with Laika. Shes an adorable mass of energy. We named her Laika in honor of the first dog that was sent into space by the Russians. She has brought such joy to my life in these past couple of weeks, i'm so happy to have her as a part of our little family.

In other good news, I've made an appointment to see a therapist in hopes of overcoming my anxiety. This is the first time I've ever gone through with this and I am so proud of myself. I see so many positive things in the future! I promise to make more time for writing and updating as I take more proactive steps towards an anxiety-free life :) Good night lovely bloggers.