Soul Cha Cha

The dates for Coachella have been announced and as always, there are at least ten bands that I’m dying to see. On the top of my list are Roni Size and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, tied for second are My Bloody Valentine and TV on the Radio. I highly doubt I will be able to attend the three day, drug laden festival but a girl can dream right? Once you get a taste of this Coachella you want to go back year after year. I got my first taste in 2003 when I saw Underworld, Felix Da Housecat, Fischerspooner, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys, The Blue Man Group (oh the drugs!) and of course SONIC YOUTH. I had so much fun that I went the following year and saw Radiohead, the Cure, the Pixies, the Flaming Lips, the Basement Jaxx, the Crystal Method and my favorite house DJ, Donald Glaude. I wish I would’ve known more about indie music at the time so I could’ve made time to see Broken Social Scene and many others. I will never forget my experiences at the festival and all of the people I met and the bands I got to see for the first time. I would encourage anyone that is considering buying a ticket to DO IT! It is totally worth being on broke status for a while. It is something that will change you forever.

Quietly Ecstatic

 

Today I start a new journey for my mind, my soul and my body. I have decided that this will be the year of change; I’m going to really focus on myself and find out what makes me happy. I’ve started toward that goal by deciding that I’m going to lose a few pounds. My body feels so unhealthy and underworked. I made me first step (yay!) by joining an online community called fitday.com. I can input everything I eat throughout the day and it will give me a total of my calories and where I stand daily, weekly and monthly in regards to my fitness goal. It’s perfect and I have a feeling it is going to work out great for me. I also did something I’ve been dying to do for a while; I joined a belly dancing class!!!  It starts next week and im so excited, nervous, and embarrassed. I usually talk myself out of doing things like this but I think I’m starting to gain my courage back. I REALLY need to get out of that damn apartment every now and then and spend some time with other women! I have forgotten what it is like to be a silly girl with other silly girls.

I also started stretching last night and noticed how calm I felt during and after. I’m definitely going to add this to my nightly routine.

…yay for me! I can’t wait to see what my mind and body feels like in a few months.

 

 

 

How can you offer me love like that? My heart's burned.

I just realized something while I was at work today. I have been in a grieving period for the past couple of years and that is why I cry so much. Now let me just say, I am not grieving the physical death of anyone, no one close and dear to me has left this plane of existence but I have still been flooded with grief.
I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. We met under very strenuous circumstances which caused us BOTH to react and question the other intensely, even to the small things. In the beginning I was very wary of him and all of the wonderful things that he told me. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where I was verbally abused and told numerous times that no one would ever want me, I was cheated on and ignored. The fellow was friends with my ex. Once I broke it off with my ex he began telling me all sorts of lies and rumors and possible truths about my current love. I didn’t know what to believe, this new guy seemed too good to be true. He was treating me like a queen and I wouldn’t allow myself to relax and trust him and follow the feelings I had for him…follow my heart instead of my obsessing head. During these first few months he fell head first into love and showed it with no regard for his pride or no care of what anyone thought. I, on the other hand was very pensive, a bit resistant and completely afraid. He couldn’t comprehend how I was feeling because this was all new to him and his relationships in the past had all been pretty normal, they ended amicably.
By the time I let my fear go and jumped in (after about four months), he had become bitter. He hated that I had questioned his feelings for me and that in his eyes, I’d disregarded them. At this point was madly in love with the guy and all I saw was complete perfection when I looked at him. I had become totally emotionally open to anything and I told him all of my secrets. He became cold and not as loving toward me. He started to display characteristics that I was warned about via the ex. He became distant, I was hopelessly in love. He told me that a part of him hated me for the situation he was in. I was devastated. I stayed with him knowing that a part of him hated me.
He has held this grudge for the past four years. We have argued at least twice a month since then, the arguments are days longs and include him sleeping on the couch (we now live together). It usually leads to me crying and begging for some sort of understanding. About six months ago he realized that he has been holding a part of him from me, keeping it safe from my “reckless hands”. He is supposed to being working on this now and trying to give all of himself and trust me with his heart. With the exception of the beginning of our relationship, I have done nothing to make him feel that I will hurt him or leave him. I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position and often begged him to understand how much I love him and want him. Now I am grieving the loss of the man I fell in love with. I want so badly to have him love me the way he did four years ago, with his whole heart. To see what love he is capable of and to have that withheld from me is heart breaking. The worst of it all is that i know in my heart he isnt capable of loving me like he used to. That old heart is dead and he believes that i killed it.

My Pregnant Mind

I woke up this morning to rain falling outside my apartment window. I love rain and we just don’t get enough of it here.

I got dressed for work, dragging a bit due to the Nyquil I took last night. I've had this irritating cough that just wont seem to go away, a result of a two week cold/flu that my lovely boyfriend passed on to me. It is overcast and dark outside, I should be at home drinking tea and watching a horror movie or playing a video game.

I'm a bit strange, not good in social situations, quiet…I'm often mistaken for being aloof. I'm drawn to people that are outcasts and have an incredible sense of fashion. I know that doesn’t really make sense, I don’t consider myself to be a person that values "things" and yet I feel drawn to people that have a way of expressing themselves through their clothes. I am so fascinated by how clothing and fashion has changed throughout the centuries, how we as humans decided that this is an important and necessary form of expression. I am drawn to Victorian era clothing because of the dark and magical air that surrounds it. The decades in the past century that involved change…the 20's, 30's and 40's also inspire me. Women began the path to freedom and displayed that through their clothing. I would love to walk down Harajuku Street to see how fashion moves and flows through the people. I wish Gwen Stefani never used Harajuku girls in her videos and songs, it brought Harajuku fashion to the mainstream and now the uneducated masses believe that those girls represent Harajuku. Creative forms of expression are always spoiled by celebrities.

I am so insecure at times that I find myself turning inward more and more. It’s time to start taking responsibility for myself, start taking better care of myself. I have realized over a short period of time that I don’t pay attention to my own needs, my core needs. Of course I see what I want and desire on the surface, happiness, security, pleasure…all of the things that make us human…but I don’t take time to look deep within myself and ask the questions that I've been ignoring. What do I want in life? Am I really happy? How do I change my life? I'm so concerned with how others feel, if they are uncomfortable, if they are content, I lose myself in that. I am lost. I want to find myself again and love myself. I don’t know if I've ever truly done this. I've allowed my love of others to rule my life and never took the time to love myself as much.
I'm having these odd recollections of the past. I should take time to understand what has gotten me to this point but it is quite difficult at times. Every day life can have a way of draining away those important thoughts and moments that we need to reflect on. I know that in order to grow I must contemplate the past and try to understand the choices I have made. I hold on to guilt and the things I wish I'd done differently, this is not healthy. Forgiveness is the key.

I am moving forward, always trying to move forward with a pensive eye on the past