I uploaded TOOL, Tori and Bjork to my iphone last night. I think that’s what has gotten me in such an emotional state. I feel that when I listen to these voices I’m hearing from higher beings and they have so much to teach me and show me. I am relieved that I can still be completely immersed in a song and allow my surroundings to disappear. I’m in such a state…I can’t explain. I’ve let strangers or people that might as well be strangers walk all over me…im on pins and needles, waiting to be accepted by individuals that don’t have strong character or morals or any real reason for me to desire their presence in my life. I’ve tried to befriend someone in particular over and over again and I cannot for the life of me comprehend why. At the same time I don’t think I truly appreciate those that really would like to get to know me. I’m weary of people that like me, I don’t trust their motives and yet I’m drawn to those that ignore me. She really isn’t anything special…as a matter of fact she’s shown her true colors several times. Perhaps that is why I feel a need to be closer, so I can watch her and prevent her from harming me or my life. I could just be paranoid but shit like this has happened in the past.
I feel hyper-sensitive to everything today.
Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself to this world with its corporations and governments and religions and wars. I wish I could go far away from everything and live a self-sustainable life up on a mountain top. That feeling never leaves me. I want to be closer to the earth.
Jay and I work a regular 40 hr work week at jobs that don’t express how creative we are but we have chosen this life. We understand that we must work to provide a stable life for not only ourselves but our unborn children. For the most part this exchange of work for financial & personal security is peaceful one but at times I yearn to just get away from all the noise a city brings. Today just happens to be one of those days.
To be completely honest, I’d be so perfectly happy staying at home raising a child, baking, cooking and cleaning. This goes against every feminist instinct that has grown inside of me but I can’t deny it, I just want to be a mother and caregiver.
So many of my family and friends discuss their religion, politics and their versions of life, death and the afterlife without any hesitation, why do I feel like I need to be so considerate of others’ feelings? I have firm beliefs on many things but I usually keep them to myself because I am in the minority and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. How can it be so easy for some to throw caution to the wind and be themselves completely? I want to be true to myself at all times but sometimes it feels like too much trouble. I hold my anger and resentment inside. I don’t know what to do about this.
I have some time alone this evening and I hope to make the most of it. I need to listen to music more often, make time for that which feeds my soul.
Sometimes I miss the drugs.
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