Son of a Nutcracker!

It has been quite some time since I have thought of you, my apple-oggies.
It is December, they sky is grey and my apartment smells like Christmas. I’ve finished shopping and have wrapped most of the gifts. This is my favorite time of the year, I visit with my family more often and there are always tons of creative things going on in my sewing room. This year we are working on a quilt for Pat; I just know she is going to love it and I don’t think Jay has ever done anything as personal and touching as this (he usually buys her some sort of kitchen appliance or gadget). Hopefully I’ll have some extra time in the next few days before Christmas to make a small quilt for my grandma. I’m really looking forward to starting my vacation on Christmas Eve at 11:00 am! (not that I’m counting down or anything hehe) I will be away from my cubicle for 17 days!!! This is the longest vacation I’ve had and I feel so lucky and grateful to be able to take this paid time off.
We will be heading over to visit Jay’s family on Christmas Eve and then off to my mom’s for Christmas. It’s a trick to balance out visiting hours since Jay’s family stays up late and my family gets up extra early for the unwrapping of gifts. We are always super sleepy but that is part of what makes Christmas a fun and exhausting experience. It only happens once a year so I try to make the very most of it! We have had the same Christmas tradition ever since I was little but I’m sure it goes further back then that, since I do have two older sisters. We get up early in the morning (it used to be 6ish but we’ve toned it down to about 8) and after the kids have gone through their stockings we file into the living room. Everyone has a designated spot, this is necessary because there are SO many of us, once we’ve made ourselves comfortable the insanity that is unwrapping begins. The room is filled with wrapping paper, bows, ribbon and exclamations of “thank you!” and “how cute!” it’s a wonderfully organized mess. We gather our little piles of new treasures, load them into the car, and head home for a couple of hours. I usually plan on napping but that never happens. This year I will bake, bake, bake until the moment we leave. I’m still searching for a yummy holiday desert, any ideas? We head back to my mom’s for a completely lazy day filled with food, board games and napping. Christmas is the best.
After a few days of recovery we will be driving down to Anaheim for a four day stay, two days of which will be spent at DISNEYLAND !!! Yippee! I’ve been counting down the days since probably August and I’m only a teensy bit ashamed of that J The holidays at Disneyland are amazing, all the holiday lights and decorations and still up, there is snow all over the buildings and they play Christmas music non-stop. We are going on what most consider the most crowded days of the year, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Although I’ve read the blog about the madness of NYE, I’ve never quite experience it myself…yes it is very crowded and we won’t get on too many rides but it is FANTASTIC! People are kind for the most part and everyone is there to have a magical night. I’m so excited to wear my cape again, take those long walks in the dark from our hotel to the Disneyland Resort, eat at the Blue Bayou, walk through Downtown Disney, ride The Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion, see the beautiful outdoor display on It’s a Small World and well…the list just goes on and on. New Year’s Day is our 5 year anniversary, I’m so happy we made it through this chaotic year…it was all well worth the fight. I can’t think of a better way to end the year.
Here are some pics from last year, enjoy!

Every word rings true

Hey Jupiter

 

No ones picking up the phone

Guess it’s me and me and this little masochist

She’s ready to confess all the things that I never thought that she could feel

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be, with you, something new

Sometimes I breathe you in and I know you know

Sometimes you take a swim, found your writing on my wall

If my heart’s soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

And I thought you wouldn’t have to keep, with me, hiding

Thought I knew myself so well, all the dolls I have

Took my leather off the shelf

Your apocalypse was felt

For a girl who couldn’t choose between a shower or the bath

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be, with you, a magazine

No one’s picking up the phone

Guess it’s clear he’s gone

And this little masochist is lifting up her dress

Guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you safe, now we’re through

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

 

 

 

 

Caught a lite sneeze

I don’t like being mean; sincerely. I hate it. I am now put in this position where I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth or the promises of a better future. I want to so bad but I cant this time. I am mad, so unbelievably angry that I don’t know how to deal. I don’t want to take it out on him and I haven’t yet but I worry that I will. A part of me says “so what if I do?! See what he did to me???” I feel justified in being angry but at the same time I loathe the feeling. I just want to be happy and love him the same way I have for the past five years and just pretend none of this happened but I can’t. It is mentally impossible for me to move past this so easily. I know that I deserve better but there are times when I’m thinking (all I do at work is think, daydream, wonder) and I get so sad. I wonder how this person that I knew could lie so cleverly to me,  how I could mean so little. It reminds me of a line in a Tori Amos song “didn’t know our love was so small”.

I’ve learned a lot about people lately, how deceitful, jealous, and just plain old fake they are. It makes me so grateful for my family, my mother, sisters and brother who are my closest and at times my only friends. All I need is my family.

What is your definition of love? I am no longer a Christian but I still stand by the old verse that goes something like, Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, keeps no record of wrongs… My family has taught me the meaning of love, no matter what each of us is going through, no matter how many times we’ve hurt one another and we still love each other unconditionally. I took what I learned and applied it to my relationship with Jay. I have forgiven him many times and always loved him through every hurdle we encountered and what do I get in return? In his very own words he told me that he took advantage of me, that he didn’t appreciate or understand what unconditional really meant.

It makes me heart hurt.  

How do I deal with this struggle of walking the line between mean and assertive, wanting to forgive and being walked on?…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Nothing makes sense.

Soil, Soil

Being lied to is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to do. This situation has gotten so far out of hand that I cannot trust one word that comes out of his mouth. He is like a completely different person to me now. How can I ever possibly regain any sense of safety and trust again? First it was “the incident” and in the process of trying to recover from that, I get fed another lie. Do I have “idiot” or “doormat” stamped on my forehead? Are there any men out there that are honest?

I’m disgusted by the chain of events that have taken place over this past week.

 

Soma

Nothing left to say

All I’ve left to do is run away from you

She led me on, down with secrets I can’t keep

Close your eyes and sleep

Don’t wait up for me

Hush now don’t you speak to me

Wrap my hurt in you

And took my shelter in that pain

The opiate of blame is your broken heart

So now i’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

I’ll betray my tears to anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss for me

One last kiss good night

Didn’t want to lose you once again

Didn’t want to be your friend

Fulfill a promise made of tears

And crawl back to you

I’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

I’ll betray my tears to anyone lost, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again

On that you can depend on me

Until the bitter, bitter end of the world

When good sleeps in bliss

I’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

And I’ll betray myself

To anyone

Secret Heart

I am back at work after a 9day break. I decided to take a vacation since Jay is currently out of work, and spend some much needed time at home with him. The first part the break was wonderful; we made delicious dinners, went to the movies, visited my family, stayed up late and slept in. We got to be lazy together and it was great =)

We decided to adopt a kitten on Thursday. It was a decision met with some fear and anxiety…we’ve had a hard time with the passing of our two cats over the past few months. We brought home our new addition and it became apparent that she was going to take over our lives. She is such a sweetheart, she loves to play and sleep and eat and we adore every minute of it. My vacation quickly turned from total relaxation to complete chaos =) She sleeps most of the day and wakes up in the evening, full of energy. She stays up until the wee hours and then wakes us up around 5:30 by running across our blankets and attacking our toes. I spent the last part of my vacation waking up extra early to feed and play with her, while Jay stayed up late to keep her company. Most of our conversations now include “the kitty” (she does not have a true name yet) and it’s all around quite wonderful.

I don’t want to be at work, I’d rather be at home with my sweet and my kitty.

 

I'm a tree that grows hearts

When I was in second grade at Fremont Elementary School I was the keeper of a magical tree. This was a large tree all the way at the end of the field by the back fence. Every recess I’d go to this tree and open it with my magical key. My key was a tiny branch that I buried at the foot of the tree trunk. I’d place the key in one of the small holes in the tree and turn it in a certain pattern; right and left and right…I can’t remember the magical combination anymore. The tree would open up and there were all sorts of tiny potions of shelves, the bottles we all shapes and sizes and held liquids, powders and smoky remnants of different colors. I invited a friend to enter this mystical world with me and we’d visit this tree every day in secret. No one else could know of it. This went on for some time...we sprinkled magical dust on the blades of grass and they grew ten feet tall, we recited special words that made strange animals appear...

 

After some time the magic was gone, the key wouldn’t work and we stopped visiting the tree. I went back when I was in fourth grade before getting transferred to Bullard TALENT and searched for my key.  I dug around the base of it until I found the small piece of a branch that resembled my key. I still have it, packed away among other memories from my past. I wonder if the magic tree still stands there and if my key still holds the same power.

  

 

It's Pouring

We got news yesterday that our lovely, patient little kitty Olive has a malignant tumor in her middle ear canal. It’s a complete shock. Of all the possibilities it had to be the worst of them all. Jay and I have decided that we want to go through with surgery to get the tumor removed.

It’s such a stressful time in our lives right now with Jay losing his job and Olive being sick, sometimes I want to just let myself freak out over it and cry and get mad…I just havent really had the time to do that. I want Olive to get better. I really hope this surgery works.

Jay and I arent rich, we don’t have a lot of money to spend on ourselves but we are comfortable. I know the bills we mount up because of this but I’d rather see our money going toward something good rather than another piece of furniture or gaming system.

I don’t know what else to say really, I just wanted to document this time in my life and hope that if anyone reads this they will send prayers to us.

 

It's not up to you, it never really was

Jay and I have been going through a rough couple of weeks, at times it seemed as though all the work we had been doing to improve our relationship was being destroyed. We got into an argument Tuesday night and I went to bed pretty upset over all of it. We emailed at work yesterday and settled our disagreements, not the best time to do it but we work with what we have. I didn’t hear from him after our morning emails and I figured he was just busy or reflecting on our conversation. I came home and put the key in the door to find that it was open and Jay was sitting on the couch. He had been laid off with no notice. Everything we’d argued about the day before seemed so pointless, so meaningless and suddenly everything important came to light. I tried my best to be positive and reassuring and let him know that I was happy to take care of him until he found a new job…we should be able to depend on each other, especially in times like these. He is very worried, concerned, disheartened over this.

This is a trying time for us, we’d hope to get married and buy a home within the next year and this is a major setback. We are not alone, there are many people around this country losing their jobs and homes…I am grateful that it is just the two of us, I couldn’t imagine having a child and the amount of stress that would bring.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

 

Play in the ashes

Ok, I see now that I’ve been in a rut for a few weeks…the past few entries have made that blatantly obvious to me. Now that I realize that I’m going to do something about it, I’m going to get inspired.

Twitter has become an amazing way for me to connect with like-minded, creative, crafty people and I want to use that to my advantage. I’m going to start on a new project; a dress, an apron…something to get my spark back. I know I can make something out of my ability, I just need to go ahead and do it.

I’m also going to re-enroll in Tribal Fusion, I need this in my life and I didn’t realize how vital it was until I gave up on it.

I’m a quitter, I’m known for procrastinating and being irresponsible(just look at my credit score for proof). I have no real reason for being this way and I need to fucking grow up and stop it already. If I feel my creativity draining away in this cubicle then I should be doing things outside of work that inspire, not sitting on my ass watching TV. I want to pay back my debts, start selling my clothing, lose those last 7 lbs, get married and have a family…is that too much to ask for? I want everything and I’m not doing anything at the moment to make that happen, so why am I so sad? I need to get angry with myself for wasting time and get on the fucking ball.

…and maybe stop cursing like a sailor…

 

 

p.s.

Found the purrrfect gift for Jay’s 30^th birthday, the Ion Drum Rocker! Ordering it at the end of this month (even though his birthday isn’t til the end of July). Maybe I’ll throw him a surprise Rock Band Birthday Party to celebrate!

Is it medicine?

I fell asleep last night at 7:30, didn’t wake up until this morning (ten hours later) when my alarm went off.

I had a crazy dream that took place during the morning hours, it was strange and creepy and I have no idea where it came from.

I was taking a trip to see my friend Lisa. She lived in a densely populated city; the landscape was nothing but tall dark buildings, concrete and people walking quickly to their destination. The sky was dark, it seemed to be on the verge of rain. I met with Lisa while walking up a steep incline, we spoke for a few moments. I noticed an old friend, Nichole, hurrying toward us…she and Lisa had also been friends in the past but didn’t part on friendly terms (according to my dream). It was a bit uncomfortable and I remember joking about the situation in an attempt to ease their mood. Eventually they began talking and laughing and totally forgot that I was standing there. Somehow this took a bad turn and they were saying mean things to me (cant recall what exactly) and so I left the group and started back up the incline. I called Jay (through telepathy?) and he showed up by my side. As we walked down the street I realized I was pregnant. The next thing I knew we were trapped in this underground sewer system type place. Nichole was there with her husband and there were a few other groups of people wandering around as well. Everyone was panicked and trying to climb out, we could see the sky above us but we were trapped by a large grated lid. There were bugs covering the floor, so many bugs that we couldn’t see the ground. Jay set me on top of a table and sat beside me, I began to have contractions. In the confusion I heard Nichole screaming and realized she was also pregnant and giving birth. I told Jay he’d have to deliver the baby and the next thing I knew it was right beside me. Over an intercom I heard a voice saying “the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck, it will die if you don’t remove the cord”. Jay removed the cord and we all looked around stunned. It was just then that we noticed an old elevator right in front of us, it had no doors but was more like an open crate. We jumped in and the rest followed, not everyone fit. There was a young couple that was stranded in the sewer system and as we were lifted up we saw the bugs covering them until they disappeared.

We were met at the top by a friendly looking woman who helped me to a bed to rest and recover from giving birth. Jay was whisked away from me and became very nervous. At some point I woke from resting, I was very groggy as if I had been drugged. The room was dark and looked old, as if no had used it for many years. I stumbled to my feet and tried to walk around, calling for Jay and hoping that he’d hear me. I made my way out of the room and into a large banquet room. There were hundreds of people there, eating and laughing. They were all staring at me with a strange sort of smirk on their lips. I found the “nurse” and she gave me some food, I was starving and asking for Jay in between bites. She kept filling my plate even after I told her I was full…she persisted and it was then that I began to look around. I noticed to my horror that they were eating people. She was feeding me so that I would be nice and fat and ready to be cooked. I tried to run away…

 

I woke up at this point in the dream and I was totally freaked out. Our apartment was dark and still and I just imagined that woman waiting for me in the hallway. I got up and got ready for work and here I am…I still cant get that dream out of my head though. What makes me come up with all of these crazy scenarios?

 

 

Graceful Swans of Never

I am so fucking tired. I’ve had two sodas and I still feel like I could crash. This weekend was both horrible and fantastic; I have my family to thank for the latter. I got to spend time with my mom and a couple of my sisters on Saturday and then the whole family on Sunday for Mother’s Day…I like being around them.

Lots of foreshadowing this weekend, my mind is never made up but sometimes it’s so blatantly obvious I feel like an idiot for not recognizing it. Every single time I’m back in deeper than before. I’m a bit reluctant and trying to make that plain, I won’t crumble at the thought anymore, I can’t allow it. It was said, it can’t be taken back and if nothing else, I’m glad that I know. I’m getting those heavy red bricks and a little batch of that grey stuff and I’m building a new wall in between us…enough was said that I feel justified in that. Why ask me if I’m ok? How will I ever be ok if this continues, if those sharp knives keep making an appearance? Either he’s really dumb or a master at work.

He hated my tears first, then you and now me.

Maybe Olive feels it too…she’s been sleeping under the computer desk, she doesn’t want to come out. She tolerates me when I pull her out to pet her and take her outside for some fresh air, then its right back under the desk. She is unhappy.

Too many dreary posts lately, maybe I shouldn’t write until things are better…

Fish, Fish I Got My Wish!

Yesterday ended up being quiet wonderful once I got home. Jay was very perceptive and took great care with me and my very strange mood. I took a long shath (shower/bath of course) and put my most comfy clothes on; pj pants and a tee. I sank my roots into the couch and had a lovely evening.

 Today is a new day and while I’m not feeling completely fantastic, I do feel a slight improvement. I think it’s this place, my office…my small cubicle, sitting in front of a monitor all day, processing one claim after another. I am very grateful to have a job, I know there are many out there struggling, I just hate that my creative passion is dwindling away. I know it’s this place. I’ve been dreaming of starting a clothing line, maybe just some Cosplay to start..i’ve been totally lagging on that. I have to find my spark again.

I’m really excited for the plan to have my sister and my mom over this Saturday to bead. While it’s super fun to make necklaces and what not, it’s really spending time with them and laughing that I love. I’m going to make breakfast burritos with egg, bacon, potatoes and of course cheeeesse! I get to show off the new curtains we just put up over the weekend…we’re Ikea whores. I cant help it, I love all the ideas I get when I go to the store  and the price is always right.

I’ve lost some weight but not as much as I wanted. I’ve sort of stepped back from the diet and exercise, I’ve made a lot of really convincing excuses but the is that I’ve gotten lazy over the past two weeks. Once this hellish week is over I will be returning to the Cardio/Yoga sections of On Demand.

…I shouldn’t have eaten that ½ lb of chocolate I bought in San Francisco.

 

 

D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

I’ve been sort of dragging lately, feeling that I’m on the outside of things. Something over the weekend set it off, I don’t know exactly what but it caused those memories to come crashing back in and I got that horrible, no good, very bad feeling. UGH. Days like today are only manageable if I’m allowed to stay in my pjs at home, with lots of stupid movies to watch…The Burbs, Ghostbusters, Shawn of the Dead, or maybe even full seasons of TV shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and Lost….

My self-esteem is at an all time low today. If I could just stay away from certain web pages and lines of thought I think I’d be ok. I usually set myself up… I know I have this hyper-active imagination that wants to cook up crazy scenarios and instead of just avoiding the cause of my over-analyzing, I walk right into it. I really need to relax.

What’s with all those hyphens???

Does anyone even read this? I guess it doesn’t matter.

 

 

 

Oh My Soul!

I’m finding it really hard to concentrate at work. I have my ipod stuck in my ears all day and I try my best to stay focused and get stuff done but I tend to daydream. I really don’t want to be stuck in this job for the rest of my life, I should be designing clothes or singing on stage…there has to be a reason I’m good at those things. But here I am, surfing the web, logging on to myspace, facebook and blogger.com. I listen to podcasts all day, anything from Jay and Jack’s Lost Podcast to Old Time Radio Thrillers. I would really like to go back to school but I want a plan. I don’t like school, I guess I don’t like being told what to do, so I’d like to just go and get through it and be done. Maybe next semester…

This past weekend was one of the best I’ve had in a while. Jay and I got stoned on Friday night and played Resident Evil 5 in Mercenary Mode (thanks to me beating it on Tuesday!). It’s our new obsession. Saturday was Ryan’s going away bbq. Jay and I showed up at Holly’s house around 10 am on Saturday and decorated the place for her, they rented a bounce house and we got to jump around in it before everyone showed up, soooo much fun! We ate hamburgers, hot dogs and tri-tip…I tried to get everyone to try hummus but not very many did :(  Ryan’s friend made a video of pictures put to music, we all sat in the living room and watched it. There were lots of tears and laughter. I was really happy that I got to spend the day with my entire family and Ryan’s family. It was a nice sunny day and the wind died down by the time everyone got there.

We came back for the party later on that night. Red, white and blue was the theme and while I usually don’t go with “themes” I decided to show some support for Ryan. Seth and Corry went which was pretty awesome, I love hanging out with my siblings. We drank a bit and danced a lot. Randy played oldies like Bel Biv Divoe, Vanilla Ice  and E40 (Seth and I were doing the kid n play at one point) it was a blast!

On Sunday we visited Jay’s family, sat outside and talked…  I even got a little tan. Every time we visit its all about “when are you having a baby?” “when are you buying a house?” “when you guys get married…” its really cute and nice that they want me to be a part of the family. I remember the first time I met Jay’s mom, she said “welcome to the family”, later she told me she knew right away that I was the one. She’s the best.

Jay and I are going to SF at the end of the month to see Autolux!!! I’m soooo excited, I can’t wait! We’re staying for three days and we get to do some shopping while we’re there. I love San Francisco, its been so long since we’ve visited the city just to hang out and enjoy the scenery.

I’m starting my beautiful henna flowers at the tattoo convention during the first week of May. Im sooo excited and nervous!

 

Two Planets

I had a dream last night that I was standing on a corner downtown singing gospel songs with a small group of women. There were people sitting it chairs in the road watching us, totally unmindful of the cars that were passing. We were singing the same hook over and over and when I woke up (horrid alarm) I had the made up song in my head. I was singing it to myself while I washed my face and put on my contacts…I’ve forgotten it since. On Saturday night I had a post-apocalyptic dream…the invasion of zombies hit our world at last. I was with my little sister, trying to comfort her because her husband Ryan had just been killed by a zombie. It wasn’t a cool, shoot ‘em up type of dream…I have those too…this one was more real, dark and dirty. The buildings were all broken and vacant; we were hiding in one of them, in the dust and dark. She was crying quietly and I was trying to hug her while keeping an eye out for any sudden movement. There were others with us…the building had been a school so there were papers and desks all over the place. It was very scary. I only remember that scene from the dream but I know it was one of those drawn out affairs.  Isn’t it strange how dreams take shape and work their way through your dreams? I have the most peculiar dreams every night, im so grateful that I can remember them. I’ve wanted to start a dream journal but I keep putting it off. I guess this is a good place to start.

Things are getting better every day, I’m happy to say Jay’s heart seems a bit fuller and he is so open to love and our making our little family the primary focus. I can see such a change in how he looks at me and touches me and talks to me…I feel giddy inside all over again! Happiness has been a long time coming, things are falling into place and the constant worry that I’ve felt over the past few years is slowly dwindling. I try not to get too optimistic...i don’t want to set myself up for failure…but I can’t help how happy I am.

I listened to two new albums today, It’s Blitz! ~ The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Two Suns ~ Bat for Lashes. I have been waiting for this YYYs album for quite some time and I must say I’m sort of weirded out by it. It, for the most part, sounds nothing like the old albums. I know that is not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case it may be. It’s incredibly disappointing because I love them so much…I may just need to give it some time to sink and do its magic. Dull Life is definitely my favorite off It’s Blitz!. I ABSOLUTELY ADORE Two Suns!!! Bat for Lashes never fails to take me away to a fantasy world, a small castle in the middle of a forest where wild horses run freely. I love her voice and picture she paints with her lyrics. So Beautiful! This album will definitely be on rotation for quite some time. I’ve already listened to it twice today!

Vespertine

I have been so busy lately. I feel like a sponge, soaking up new information and trying to become a better person in the process.

I have enrolled in the second level of Tribal Fusion, something I wasn’t too sure of...a week away from class will do that to me. I’m happy that I decided to stay with it. Being back with all the girls in the studio listening to tribal drums and learning new things is so empowering. We are all different shapes and sizes and no one is judging. The time flies by and before I know it, class is over. Meeting once a week just isn’t enough! Why would i ever doubt my need to return to this class? I think i just become a hermit when given the chance. I am trying so hard to get away from that easy road. I am reaching back into myself and finding that organic, feminine place within me. I am connecting with my soul again.

I’ve started playing guitar again. Jay and I fell in love because of the guitar and now he is giving me lessons again. I find myself sitting in the living room playing for hours at a time. This time I am doing it for myself and I love it even more. We are buying drums sometime in the next few months, maybe our dream of starting a band will actually become a reality.

I make time to practice yoga every day when I get home from work. I have about an hour each day to myself and I cherish this time.

I am finding myself again, growing into someone I’ve always wanted to be. I’m trying so hard to be positive and love myself unconditionally…it’s tougher than it seems but I know it’ll get easier. Spring has begun and it has filled me with optimism.

Ps.

Jay tells me that we should start talking about marriage and buying a home for ourselves…I am so excited about the present and future!

Soul Cha Cha

The dates for Coachella have been announced and as always, there are at least ten bands that I’m dying to see. On the top of my list are Roni Size and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, tied for second are My Bloody Valentine and TV on the Radio. I highly doubt I will be able to attend the three day, drug laden festival but a girl can dream right? Once you get a taste of this Coachella you want to go back year after year. I got my first taste in 2003 when I saw Underworld, Felix Da Housecat, Fischerspooner, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys, The Blue Man Group (oh the drugs!) and of course SONIC YOUTH. I had so much fun that I went the following year and saw Radiohead, the Cure, the Pixies, the Flaming Lips, the Basement Jaxx, the Crystal Method and my favorite house DJ, Donald Glaude. I wish I would’ve known more about indie music at the time so I could’ve made time to see Broken Social Scene and many others. I will never forget my experiences at the festival and all of the people I met and the bands I got to see for the first time. I would encourage anyone that is considering buying a ticket to DO IT! It is totally worth being on broke status for a while. It is something that will change you forever.

Quietly Ecstatic

 

Today I start a new journey for my mind, my soul and my body. I have decided that this will be the year of change; I’m going to really focus on myself and find out what makes me happy. I’ve started toward that goal by deciding that I’m going to lose a few pounds. My body feels so unhealthy and underworked. I made me first step (yay!) by joining an online community called fitday.com. I can input everything I eat throughout the day and it will give me a total of my calories and where I stand daily, weekly and monthly in regards to my fitness goal. It’s perfect and I have a feeling it is going to work out great for me. I also did something I’ve been dying to do for a while; I joined a belly dancing class!!!  It starts next week and im so excited, nervous, and embarrassed. I usually talk myself out of doing things like this but I think I’m starting to gain my courage back. I REALLY need to get out of that damn apartment every now and then and spend some time with other women! I have forgotten what it is like to be a silly girl with other silly girls.

I also started stretching last night and noticed how calm I felt during and after. I’m definitely going to add this to my nightly routine.

…yay for me! I can’t wait to see what my mind and body feels like in a few months.

 

 

 

How can you offer me love like that? My heart's burned.

I just realized something while I was at work today. I have been in a grieving period for the past couple of years and that is why I cry so much. Now let me just say, I am not grieving the physical death of anyone, no one close and dear to me has left this plane of existence but I have still been flooded with grief.
I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. We met under very strenuous circumstances which caused us BOTH to react and question the other intensely, even to the small things. In the beginning I was very wary of him and all of the wonderful things that he told me. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where I was verbally abused and told numerous times that no one would ever want me, I was cheated on and ignored. The fellow was friends with my ex. Once I broke it off with my ex he began telling me all sorts of lies and rumors and possible truths about my current love. I didn’t know what to believe, this new guy seemed too good to be true. He was treating me like a queen and I wouldn’t allow myself to relax and trust him and follow the feelings I had for him…follow my heart instead of my obsessing head. During these first few months he fell head first into love and showed it with no regard for his pride or no care of what anyone thought. I, on the other hand was very pensive, a bit resistant and completely afraid. He couldn’t comprehend how I was feeling because this was all new to him and his relationships in the past had all been pretty normal, they ended amicably.
By the time I let my fear go and jumped in (after about four months), he had become bitter. He hated that I had questioned his feelings for me and that in his eyes, I’d disregarded them. At this point was madly in love with the guy and all I saw was complete perfection when I looked at him. I had become totally emotionally open to anything and I told him all of my secrets. He became cold and not as loving toward me. He started to display characteristics that I was warned about via the ex. He became distant, I was hopelessly in love. He told me that a part of him hated me for the situation he was in. I was devastated. I stayed with him knowing that a part of him hated me.
He has held this grudge for the past four years. We have argued at least twice a month since then, the arguments are days longs and include him sleeping on the couch (we now live together). It usually leads to me crying and begging for some sort of understanding. About six months ago he realized that he has been holding a part of him from me, keeping it safe from my “reckless hands”. He is supposed to being working on this now and trying to give all of himself and trust me with his heart. With the exception of the beginning of our relationship, I have done nothing to make him feel that I will hurt him or leave him. I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position and often begged him to understand how much I love him and want him. Now I am grieving the loss of the man I fell in love with. I want so badly to have him love me the way he did four years ago, with his whole heart. To see what love he is capable of and to have that withheld from me is heart breaking. The worst of it all is that i know in my heart he isnt capable of loving me like he used to. That old heart is dead and he believes that i killed it.

My Pregnant Mind

I woke up this morning to rain falling outside my apartment window. I love rain and we just don’t get enough of it here.

I got dressed for work, dragging a bit due to the Nyquil I took last night. I've had this irritating cough that just wont seem to go away, a result of a two week cold/flu that my lovely boyfriend passed on to me. It is overcast and dark outside, I should be at home drinking tea and watching a horror movie or playing a video game.

I'm a bit strange, not good in social situations, quiet…I'm often mistaken for being aloof. I'm drawn to people that are outcasts and have an incredible sense of fashion. I know that doesn’t really make sense, I don’t consider myself to be a person that values "things" and yet I feel drawn to people that have a way of expressing themselves through their clothes. I am so fascinated by how clothing and fashion has changed throughout the centuries, how we as humans decided that this is an important and necessary form of expression. I am drawn to Victorian era clothing because of the dark and magical air that surrounds it. The decades in the past century that involved change…the 20's, 30's and 40's also inspire me. Women began the path to freedom and displayed that through their clothing. I would love to walk down Harajuku Street to see how fashion moves and flows through the people. I wish Gwen Stefani never used Harajuku girls in her videos and songs, it brought Harajuku fashion to the mainstream and now the uneducated masses believe that those girls represent Harajuku. Creative forms of expression are always spoiled by celebrities.

I am so insecure at times that I find myself turning inward more and more. It’s time to start taking responsibility for myself, start taking better care of myself. I have realized over a short period of time that I don’t pay attention to my own needs, my core needs. Of course I see what I want and desire on the surface, happiness, security, pleasure…all of the things that make us human…but I don’t take time to look deep within myself and ask the questions that I've been ignoring. What do I want in life? Am I really happy? How do I change my life? I'm so concerned with how others feel, if they are uncomfortable, if they are content, I lose myself in that. I am lost. I want to find myself again and love myself. I don’t know if I've ever truly done this. I've allowed my love of others to rule my life and never took the time to love myself as much.
I'm having these odd recollections of the past. I should take time to understand what has gotten me to this point but it is quite difficult at times. Every day life can have a way of draining away those important thoughts and moments that we need to reflect on. I know that in order to grow I must contemplate the past and try to understand the choices I have made. I hold on to guilt and the things I wish I'd done differently, this is not healthy. Forgiveness is the key.

I am moving forward, always trying to move forward with a pensive eye on the past