I just realized something while I was at work today. I have been in a grieving period for the past couple of years and that is why I cry so much. Now let me just say, I am not grieving the physical death of anyone, no one close and dear to me has left this plane of existence but I have still been flooded with grief.
I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. We met under very strenuous circumstances which caused us BOTH to react and question the other intensely, even to the small things. In the beginning I was very wary of him and all of the wonderful things that he told me. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where I was verbally abused and told numerous times that no one would ever want me, I was cheated on and ignored. The fellow was friends with my ex. Once I broke it off with my ex he began telling me all sorts of lies and rumors and possible truths about my current love. I didn’t know what to believe, this new guy seemed too good to be true. He was treating me like a queen and I wouldn’t allow myself to relax and trust him and follow the feelings I had for him…follow my heart instead of my obsessing head. During these first few months he fell head first into love and showed it with no regard for his pride or no care of what anyone thought. I, on the other hand was very pensive, a bit resistant and completely afraid. He couldn’t comprehend how I was feeling because this was all new to him and his relationships in the past had all been pretty normal, they ended amicably.
By the time I let my fear go and jumped in (after about four months), he had become bitter. He hated that I had questioned his feelings for me and that in his eyes, I’d disregarded them. At this point was madly in love with the guy and all I saw was complete perfection when I looked at him. I had become totally emotionally open to anything and I told him all of my secrets. He became cold and not as loving toward me. He started to display characteristics that I was warned about via the ex. He became distant, I was hopelessly in love. He told me that a part of him hated me for the situation he was in. I was devastated. I stayed with him knowing that a part of him hated me.
He has held this grudge for the past four years. We have argued at least twice a month since then, the arguments are days longs and include him sleeping on the couch (we now live together). It usually leads to me crying and begging for some sort of understanding. About six months ago he realized that he has been holding a part of him from me, keeping it safe from my “reckless hands”. He is supposed to being working on this now and trying to give all of himself and trust me with his heart. With the exception of the beginning of our relationship, I have done nothing to make him feel that I will hurt him or leave him. I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position and often begged him to understand how much I love him and want him. Now I am grieving the loss of the man I fell in love with. I want so badly to have him love me the way he did four years ago, with his whole heart. To see what love he is capable of and to have that withheld from me is heart breaking. The worst of it all is that i know in my heart he isnt capable of loving me like he used to. That old heart is dead and he believes that i killed it.
I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. We met under very strenuous circumstances which caused us BOTH to react and question the other intensely, even to the small things. In the beginning I was very wary of him and all of the wonderful things that he told me. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where I was verbally abused and told numerous times that no one would ever want me, I was cheated on and ignored. The fellow was friends with my ex. Once I broke it off with my ex he began telling me all sorts of lies and rumors and possible truths about my current love. I didn’t know what to believe, this new guy seemed too good to be true. He was treating me like a queen and I wouldn’t allow myself to relax and trust him and follow the feelings I had for him…follow my heart instead of my obsessing head. During these first few months he fell head first into love and showed it with no regard for his pride or no care of what anyone thought. I, on the other hand was very pensive, a bit resistant and completely afraid. He couldn’t comprehend how I was feeling because this was all new to him and his relationships in the past had all been pretty normal, they ended amicably.
By the time I let my fear go and jumped in (after about four months), he had become bitter. He hated that I had questioned his feelings for me and that in his eyes, I’d disregarded them. At this point was madly in love with the guy and all I saw was complete perfection when I looked at him. I had become totally emotionally open to anything and I told him all of my secrets. He became cold and not as loving toward me. He started to display characteristics that I was warned about via the ex. He became distant, I was hopelessly in love. He told me that a part of him hated me for the situation he was in. I was devastated. I stayed with him knowing that a part of him hated me.
He has held this grudge for the past four years. We have argued at least twice a month since then, the arguments are days longs and include him sleeping on the couch (we now live together). It usually leads to me crying and begging for some sort of understanding. About six months ago he realized that he has been holding a part of him from me, keeping it safe from my “reckless hands”. He is supposed to being working on this now and trying to give all of himself and trust me with his heart. With the exception of the beginning of our relationship, I have done nothing to make him feel that I will hurt him or leave him. I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position and often begged him to understand how much I love him and want him. Now I am grieving the loss of the man I fell in love with. I want so badly to have him love me the way he did four years ago, with his whole heart. To see what love he is capable of and to have that withheld from me is heart breaking. The worst of it all is that i know in my heart he isnt capable of loving me like he used to. That old heart is dead and he believes that i killed it.
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