My Pregnant Mind

I woke up this morning to rain falling outside my apartment window. I love rain and we just don’t get enough of it here.

I got dressed for work, dragging a bit due to the Nyquil I took last night. I've had this irritating cough that just wont seem to go away, a result of a two week cold/flu that my lovely boyfriend passed on to me. It is overcast and dark outside, I should be at home drinking tea and watching a horror movie or playing a video game.

I'm a bit strange, not good in social situations, quiet…I'm often mistaken for being aloof. I'm drawn to people that are outcasts and have an incredible sense of fashion. I know that doesn’t really make sense, I don’t consider myself to be a person that values "things" and yet I feel drawn to people that have a way of expressing themselves through their clothes. I am so fascinated by how clothing and fashion has changed throughout the centuries, how we as humans decided that this is an important and necessary form of expression. I am drawn to Victorian era clothing because of the dark and magical air that surrounds it. The decades in the past century that involved change…the 20's, 30's and 40's also inspire me. Women began the path to freedom and displayed that through their clothing. I would love to walk down Harajuku Street to see how fashion moves and flows through the people. I wish Gwen Stefani never used Harajuku girls in her videos and songs, it brought Harajuku fashion to the mainstream and now the uneducated masses believe that those girls represent Harajuku. Creative forms of expression are always spoiled by celebrities.

I am so insecure at times that I find myself turning inward more and more. It’s time to start taking responsibility for myself, start taking better care of myself. I have realized over a short period of time that I don’t pay attention to my own needs, my core needs. Of course I see what I want and desire on the surface, happiness, security, pleasure…all of the things that make us human…but I don’t take time to look deep within myself and ask the questions that I've been ignoring. What do I want in life? Am I really happy? How do I change my life? I'm so concerned with how others feel, if they are uncomfortable, if they are content, I lose myself in that. I am lost. I want to find myself again and love myself. I don’t know if I've ever truly done this. I've allowed my love of others to rule my life and never took the time to love myself as much.
I'm having these odd recollections of the past. I should take time to understand what has gotten me to this point but it is quite difficult at times. Every day life can have a way of draining away those important thoughts and moments that we need to reflect on. I know that in order to grow I must contemplate the past and try to understand the choices I have made. I hold on to guilt and the things I wish I'd done differently, this is not healthy. Forgiveness is the key.

I am moving forward, always trying to move forward with a pensive eye on the past