Caught a lite sneeze

I don’t like being mean; sincerely. I hate it. I am now put in this position where I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth or the promises of a better future. I want to so bad but I cant this time. I am mad, so unbelievably angry that I don’t know how to deal. I don’t want to take it out on him and I haven’t yet but I worry that I will. A part of me says “so what if I do?! See what he did to me???” I feel justified in being angry but at the same time I loathe the feeling. I just want to be happy and love him the same way I have for the past five years and just pretend none of this happened but I can’t. It is mentally impossible for me to move past this so easily. I know that I deserve better but there are times when I’m thinking (all I do at work is think, daydream, wonder) and I get so sad. I wonder how this person that I knew could lie so cleverly to me,  how I could mean so little. It reminds me of a line in a Tori Amos song “didn’t know our love was so small”.

I’ve learned a lot about people lately, how deceitful, jealous, and just plain old fake they are. It makes me so grateful for my family, my mother, sisters and brother who are my closest and at times my only friends. All I need is my family.

What is your definition of love? I am no longer a Christian but I still stand by the old verse that goes something like, Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, keeps no record of wrongs… My family has taught me the meaning of love, no matter what each of us is going through, no matter how many times we’ve hurt one another and we still love each other unconditionally. I took what I learned and applied it to my relationship with Jay. I have forgiven him many times and always loved him through every hurdle we encountered and what do I get in return? In his very own words he told me that he took advantage of me, that he didn’t appreciate or understand what unconditional really meant.

It makes me heart hurt.  

How do I deal with this struggle of walking the line between mean and assertive, wanting to forgive and being walked on?…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Nothing makes sense.