Son of a Nutcracker!

It has been quite some time since I have thought of you, my apple-oggies.
It is December, they sky is grey and my apartment smells like Christmas. I’ve finished shopping and have wrapped most of the gifts. This is my favorite time of the year, I visit with my family more often and there are always tons of creative things going on in my sewing room. This year we are working on a quilt for Pat; I just know she is going to love it and I don’t think Jay has ever done anything as personal and touching as this (he usually buys her some sort of kitchen appliance or gadget). Hopefully I’ll have some extra time in the next few days before Christmas to make a small quilt for my grandma. I’m really looking forward to starting my vacation on Christmas Eve at 11:00 am! (not that I’m counting down or anything hehe) I will be away from my cubicle for 17 days!!! This is the longest vacation I’ve had and I feel so lucky and grateful to be able to take this paid time off.
We will be heading over to visit Jay’s family on Christmas Eve and then off to my mom’s for Christmas. It’s a trick to balance out visiting hours since Jay’s family stays up late and my family gets up extra early for the unwrapping of gifts. We are always super sleepy but that is part of what makes Christmas a fun and exhausting experience. It only happens once a year so I try to make the very most of it! We have had the same Christmas tradition ever since I was little but I’m sure it goes further back then that, since I do have two older sisters. We get up early in the morning (it used to be 6ish but we’ve toned it down to about 8) and after the kids have gone through their stockings we file into the living room. Everyone has a designated spot, this is necessary because there are SO many of us, once we’ve made ourselves comfortable the insanity that is unwrapping begins. The room is filled with wrapping paper, bows, ribbon and exclamations of “thank you!” and “how cute!” it’s a wonderfully organized mess. We gather our little piles of new treasures, load them into the car, and head home for a couple of hours. I usually plan on napping but that never happens. This year I will bake, bake, bake until the moment we leave. I’m still searching for a yummy holiday desert, any ideas? We head back to my mom’s for a completely lazy day filled with food, board games and napping. Christmas is the best.
After a few days of recovery we will be driving down to Anaheim for a four day stay, two days of which will be spent at DISNEYLAND !!! Yippee! I’ve been counting down the days since probably August and I’m only a teensy bit ashamed of that J The holidays at Disneyland are amazing, all the holiday lights and decorations and still up, there is snow all over the buildings and they play Christmas music non-stop. We are going on what most consider the most crowded days of the year, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Although I’ve read the blog about the madness of NYE, I’ve never quite experience it myself…yes it is very crowded and we won’t get on too many rides but it is FANTASTIC! People are kind for the most part and everyone is there to have a magical night. I’m so excited to wear my cape again, take those long walks in the dark from our hotel to the Disneyland Resort, eat at the Blue Bayou, walk through Downtown Disney, ride The Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion, see the beautiful outdoor display on It’s a Small World and well…the list just goes on and on. New Year’s Day is our 5 year anniversary, I’m so happy we made it through this chaotic year…it was all well worth the fight. I can’t think of a better way to end the year.
Here are some pics from last year, enjoy!

Every word rings true

Hey Jupiter

 

No ones picking up the phone

Guess it’s me and me and this little masochist

She’s ready to confess all the things that I never thought that she could feel

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be, with you, something new

Sometimes I breathe you in and I know you know

Sometimes you take a swim, found your writing on my wall

If my heart’s soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

And I thought you wouldn’t have to keep, with me, hiding

Thought I knew myself so well, all the dolls I have

Took my leather off the shelf

Your apocalypse was felt

For a girl who couldn’t choose between a shower or the bath

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be, with you, a magazine

No one’s picking up the phone

Guess it’s clear he’s gone

And this little masochist is lifting up her dress

Guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you gay, are you blue?

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

Hey Jupiter nothing’s been the same so are you safe, now we’re through

Thought we both could use a friend to run to

 

 

 

 

Caught a lite sneeze

I don’t like being mean; sincerely. I hate it. I am now put in this position where I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth or the promises of a better future. I want to so bad but I cant this time. I am mad, so unbelievably angry that I don’t know how to deal. I don’t want to take it out on him and I haven’t yet but I worry that I will. A part of me says “so what if I do?! See what he did to me???” I feel justified in being angry but at the same time I loathe the feeling. I just want to be happy and love him the same way I have for the past five years and just pretend none of this happened but I can’t. It is mentally impossible for me to move past this so easily. I know that I deserve better but there are times when I’m thinking (all I do at work is think, daydream, wonder) and I get so sad. I wonder how this person that I knew could lie so cleverly to me,  how I could mean so little. It reminds me of a line in a Tori Amos song “didn’t know our love was so small”.

I’ve learned a lot about people lately, how deceitful, jealous, and just plain old fake they are. It makes me so grateful for my family, my mother, sisters and brother who are my closest and at times my only friends. All I need is my family.

What is your definition of love? I am no longer a Christian but I still stand by the old verse that goes something like, Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, keeps no record of wrongs… My family has taught me the meaning of love, no matter what each of us is going through, no matter how many times we’ve hurt one another and we still love each other unconditionally. I took what I learned and applied it to my relationship with Jay. I have forgiven him many times and always loved him through every hurdle we encountered and what do I get in return? In his very own words he told me that he took advantage of me, that he didn’t appreciate or understand what unconditional really meant.

It makes me heart hurt.  

How do I deal with this struggle of walking the line between mean and assertive, wanting to forgive and being walked on?…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Nothing makes sense.

Soil, Soil

Being lied to is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to do. This situation has gotten so far out of hand that I cannot trust one word that comes out of his mouth. He is like a completely different person to me now. How can I ever possibly regain any sense of safety and trust again? First it was “the incident” and in the process of trying to recover from that, I get fed another lie. Do I have “idiot” or “doormat” stamped on my forehead? Are there any men out there that are honest?

I’m disgusted by the chain of events that have taken place over this past week.

 

Soma

Nothing left to say

All I’ve left to do is run away from you

She led me on, down with secrets I can’t keep

Close your eyes and sleep

Don’t wait up for me

Hush now don’t you speak to me

Wrap my hurt in you

And took my shelter in that pain

The opiate of blame is your broken heart

So now i’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

I’ll betray my tears to anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss for me

One last kiss good night

Didn’t want to lose you once again

Didn’t want to be your friend

Fulfill a promise made of tears

And crawl back to you

I’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

I’ll betray my tears to anyone lost, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again

On that you can depend on me

Until the bitter, bitter end of the world

When good sleeps in bliss

I’m all by myself

As I’ve always felt

And I’ll betray myself

To anyone

Secret Heart

I am back at work after a 9day break. I decided to take a vacation since Jay is currently out of work, and spend some much needed time at home with him. The first part the break was wonderful; we made delicious dinners, went to the movies, visited my family, stayed up late and slept in. We got to be lazy together and it was great =)

We decided to adopt a kitten on Thursday. It was a decision met with some fear and anxiety…we’ve had a hard time with the passing of our two cats over the past few months. We brought home our new addition and it became apparent that she was going to take over our lives. She is such a sweetheart, she loves to play and sleep and eat and we adore every minute of it. My vacation quickly turned from total relaxation to complete chaos =) She sleeps most of the day and wakes up in the evening, full of energy. She stays up until the wee hours and then wakes us up around 5:30 by running across our blankets and attacking our toes. I spent the last part of my vacation waking up extra early to feed and play with her, while Jay stayed up late to keep her company. Most of our conversations now include “the kitty” (she does not have a true name yet) and it’s all around quite wonderful.

I don’t want to be at work, I’d rather be at home with my sweet and my kitty.

 

I'm a tree that grows hearts

When I was in second grade at Fremont Elementary School I was the keeper of a magical tree. This was a large tree all the way at the end of the field by the back fence. Every recess I’d go to this tree and open it with my magical key. My key was a tiny branch that I buried at the foot of the tree trunk. I’d place the key in one of the small holes in the tree and turn it in a certain pattern; right and left and right…I can’t remember the magical combination anymore. The tree would open up and there were all sorts of tiny potions of shelves, the bottles we all shapes and sizes and held liquids, powders and smoky remnants of different colors. I invited a friend to enter this mystical world with me and we’d visit this tree every day in secret. No one else could know of it. This went on for some time...we sprinkled magical dust on the blades of grass and they grew ten feet tall, we recited special words that made strange animals appear...

 

After some time the magic was gone, the key wouldn’t work and we stopped visiting the tree. I went back when I was in fourth grade before getting transferred to Bullard TALENT and searched for my key.  I dug around the base of it until I found the small piece of a branch that resembled my key. I still have it, packed away among other memories from my past. I wonder if the magic tree still stands there and if my key still holds the same power.