Is it medicine?

I fell asleep last night at 7:30, didn’t wake up until this morning (ten hours later) when my alarm went off.

I had a crazy dream that took place during the morning hours, it was strange and creepy and I have no idea where it came from.

I was taking a trip to see my friend Lisa. She lived in a densely populated city; the landscape was nothing but tall dark buildings, concrete and people walking quickly to their destination. The sky was dark, it seemed to be on the verge of rain. I met with Lisa while walking up a steep incline, we spoke for a few moments. I noticed an old friend, Nichole, hurrying toward us…she and Lisa had also been friends in the past but didn’t part on friendly terms (according to my dream). It was a bit uncomfortable and I remember joking about the situation in an attempt to ease their mood. Eventually they began talking and laughing and totally forgot that I was standing there. Somehow this took a bad turn and they were saying mean things to me (cant recall what exactly) and so I left the group and started back up the incline. I called Jay (through telepathy?) and he showed up by my side. As we walked down the street I realized I was pregnant. The next thing I knew we were trapped in this underground sewer system type place. Nichole was there with her husband and there were a few other groups of people wandering around as well. Everyone was panicked and trying to climb out, we could see the sky above us but we were trapped by a large grated lid. There were bugs covering the floor, so many bugs that we couldn’t see the ground. Jay set me on top of a table and sat beside me, I began to have contractions. In the confusion I heard Nichole screaming and realized she was also pregnant and giving birth. I told Jay he’d have to deliver the baby and the next thing I knew it was right beside me. Over an intercom I heard a voice saying “the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck, it will die if you don’t remove the cord”. Jay removed the cord and we all looked around stunned. It was just then that we noticed an old elevator right in front of us, it had no doors but was more like an open crate. We jumped in and the rest followed, not everyone fit. There was a young couple that was stranded in the sewer system and as we were lifted up we saw the bugs covering them until they disappeared.

We were met at the top by a friendly looking woman who helped me to a bed to rest and recover from giving birth. Jay was whisked away from me and became very nervous. At some point I woke from resting, I was very groggy as if I had been drugged. The room was dark and looked old, as if no had used it for many years. I stumbled to my feet and tried to walk around, calling for Jay and hoping that he’d hear me. I made my way out of the room and into a large banquet room. There were hundreds of people there, eating and laughing. They were all staring at me with a strange sort of smirk on their lips. I found the “nurse” and she gave me some food, I was starving and asking for Jay in between bites. She kept filling my plate even after I told her I was full…she persisted and it was then that I began to look around. I noticed to my horror that they were eating people. She was feeding me so that I would be nice and fat and ready to be cooked. I tried to run away…

 

I woke up at this point in the dream and I was totally freaked out. Our apartment was dark and still and I just imagined that woman waiting for me in the hallway. I got up and got ready for work and here I am…I still cant get that dream out of my head though. What makes me come up with all of these crazy scenarios?

 

 

Graceful Swans of Never

I am so fucking tired. I’ve had two sodas and I still feel like I could crash. This weekend was both horrible and fantastic; I have my family to thank for the latter. I got to spend time with my mom and a couple of my sisters on Saturday and then the whole family on Sunday for Mother’s Day…I like being around them.

Lots of foreshadowing this weekend, my mind is never made up but sometimes it’s so blatantly obvious I feel like an idiot for not recognizing it. Every single time I’m back in deeper than before. I’m a bit reluctant and trying to make that plain, I won’t crumble at the thought anymore, I can’t allow it. It was said, it can’t be taken back and if nothing else, I’m glad that I know. I’m getting those heavy red bricks and a little batch of that grey stuff and I’m building a new wall in between us…enough was said that I feel justified in that. Why ask me if I’m ok? How will I ever be ok if this continues, if those sharp knives keep making an appearance? Either he’s really dumb or a master at work.

He hated my tears first, then you and now me.

Maybe Olive feels it too…she’s been sleeping under the computer desk, she doesn’t want to come out. She tolerates me when I pull her out to pet her and take her outside for some fresh air, then its right back under the desk. She is unhappy.

Too many dreary posts lately, maybe I shouldn’t write until things are better…

Fish, Fish I Got My Wish!

Yesterday ended up being quiet wonderful once I got home. Jay was very perceptive and took great care with me and my very strange mood. I took a long shath (shower/bath of course) and put my most comfy clothes on; pj pants and a tee. I sank my roots into the couch and had a lovely evening.

 Today is a new day and while I’m not feeling completely fantastic, I do feel a slight improvement. I think it’s this place, my office…my small cubicle, sitting in front of a monitor all day, processing one claim after another. I am very grateful to have a job, I know there are many out there struggling, I just hate that my creative passion is dwindling away. I know it’s this place. I’ve been dreaming of starting a clothing line, maybe just some Cosplay to start..i’ve been totally lagging on that. I have to find my spark again.

I’m really excited for the plan to have my sister and my mom over this Saturday to bead. While it’s super fun to make necklaces and what not, it’s really spending time with them and laughing that I love. I’m going to make breakfast burritos with egg, bacon, potatoes and of course cheeeesse! I get to show off the new curtains we just put up over the weekend…we’re Ikea whores. I cant help it, I love all the ideas I get when I go to the store  and the price is always right.

I’ve lost some weight but not as much as I wanted. I’ve sort of stepped back from the diet and exercise, I’ve made a lot of really convincing excuses but the is that I’ve gotten lazy over the past two weeks. Once this hellish week is over I will be returning to the Cardio/Yoga sections of On Demand.

…I shouldn’t have eaten that ½ lb of chocolate I bought in San Francisco.

 

 

D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

I’ve been sort of dragging lately, feeling that I’m on the outside of things. Something over the weekend set it off, I don’t know exactly what but it caused those memories to come crashing back in and I got that horrible, no good, very bad feeling. UGH. Days like today are only manageable if I’m allowed to stay in my pjs at home, with lots of stupid movies to watch…The Burbs, Ghostbusters, Shawn of the Dead, or maybe even full seasons of TV shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and Lost….

My self-esteem is at an all time low today. If I could just stay away from certain web pages and lines of thought I think I’d be ok. I usually set myself up… I know I have this hyper-active imagination that wants to cook up crazy scenarios and instead of just avoiding the cause of my over-analyzing, I walk right into it. I really need to relax.

What’s with all those hyphens???

Does anyone even read this? I guess it doesn’t matter.

 

 

 

Oh My Soul!

I’m finding it really hard to concentrate at work. I have my ipod stuck in my ears all day and I try my best to stay focused and get stuff done but I tend to daydream. I really don’t want to be stuck in this job for the rest of my life, I should be designing clothes or singing on stage…there has to be a reason I’m good at those things. But here I am, surfing the web, logging on to myspace, facebook and blogger.com. I listen to podcasts all day, anything from Jay and Jack’s Lost Podcast to Old Time Radio Thrillers. I would really like to go back to school but I want a plan. I don’t like school, I guess I don’t like being told what to do, so I’d like to just go and get through it and be done. Maybe next semester…

This past weekend was one of the best I’ve had in a while. Jay and I got stoned on Friday night and played Resident Evil 5 in Mercenary Mode (thanks to me beating it on Tuesday!). It’s our new obsession. Saturday was Ryan’s going away bbq. Jay and I showed up at Holly’s house around 10 am on Saturday and decorated the place for her, they rented a bounce house and we got to jump around in it before everyone showed up, soooo much fun! We ate hamburgers, hot dogs and tri-tip…I tried to get everyone to try hummus but not very many did :(  Ryan’s friend made a video of pictures put to music, we all sat in the living room and watched it. There were lots of tears and laughter. I was really happy that I got to spend the day with my entire family and Ryan’s family. It was a nice sunny day and the wind died down by the time everyone got there.

We came back for the party later on that night. Red, white and blue was the theme and while I usually don’t go with “themes” I decided to show some support for Ryan. Seth and Corry went which was pretty awesome, I love hanging out with my siblings. We drank a bit and danced a lot. Randy played oldies like Bel Biv Divoe, Vanilla Ice  and E40 (Seth and I were doing the kid n play at one point) it was a blast!

On Sunday we visited Jay’s family, sat outside and talked…  I even got a little tan. Every time we visit its all about “when are you having a baby?” “when are you buying a house?” “when you guys get married…” its really cute and nice that they want me to be a part of the family. I remember the first time I met Jay’s mom, she said “welcome to the family”, later she told me she knew right away that I was the one. She’s the best.

Jay and I are going to SF at the end of the month to see Autolux!!! I’m soooo excited, I can’t wait! We’re staying for three days and we get to do some shopping while we’re there. I love San Francisco, its been so long since we’ve visited the city just to hang out and enjoy the scenery.

I’m starting my beautiful henna flowers at the tattoo convention during the first week of May. Im sooo excited and nervous!

 

Two Planets

I had a dream last night that I was standing on a corner downtown singing gospel songs with a small group of women. There were people sitting it chairs in the road watching us, totally unmindful of the cars that were passing. We were singing the same hook over and over and when I woke up (horrid alarm) I had the made up song in my head. I was singing it to myself while I washed my face and put on my contacts…I’ve forgotten it since. On Saturday night I had a post-apocalyptic dream…the invasion of zombies hit our world at last. I was with my little sister, trying to comfort her because her husband Ryan had just been killed by a zombie. It wasn’t a cool, shoot ‘em up type of dream…I have those too…this one was more real, dark and dirty. The buildings were all broken and vacant; we were hiding in one of them, in the dust and dark. She was crying quietly and I was trying to hug her while keeping an eye out for any sudden movement. There were others with us…the building had been a school so there were papers and desks all over the place. It was very scary. I only remember that scene from the dream but I know it was one of those drawn out affairs.  Isn’t it strange how dreams take shape and work their way through your dreams? I have the most peculiar dreams every night, im so grateful that I can remember them. I’ve wanted to start a dream journal but I keep putting it off. I guess this is a good place to start.

Things are getting better every day, I’m happy to say Jay’s heart seems a bit fuller and he is so open to love and our making our little family the primary focus. I can see such a change in how he looks at me and touches me and talks to me…I feel giddy inside all over again! Happiness has been a long time coming, things are falling into place and the constant worry that I’ve felt over the past few years is slowly dwindling. I try not to get too optimistic...i don’t want to set myself up for failure…but I can’t help how happy I am.

I listened to two new albums today, It’s Blitz! ~ The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Two Suns ~ Bat for Lashes. I have been waiting for this YYYs album for quite some time and I must say I’m sort of weirded out by it. It, for the most part, sounds nothing like the old albums. I know that is not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case it may be. It’s incredibly disappointing because I love them so much…I may just need to give it some time to sink and do its magic. Dull Life is definitely my favorite off It’s Blitz!. I ABSOLUTELY ADORE Two Suns!!! Bat for Lashes never fails to take me away to a fantasy world, a small castle in the middle of a forest where wild horses run freely. I love her voice and picture she paints with her lyrics. So Beautiful! This album will definitely be on rotation for quite some time. I’ve already listened to it twice today!

Vespertine

I have been so busy lately. I feel like a sponge, soaking up new information and trying to become a better person in the process.

I have enrolled in the second level of Tribal Fusion, something I wasn’t too sure of...a week away from class will do that to me. I’m happy that I decided to stay with it. Being back with all the girls in the studio listening to tribal drums and learning new things is so empowering. We are all different shapes and sizes and no one is judging. The time flies by and before I know it, class is over. Meeting once a week just isn’t enough! Why would i ever doubt my need to return to this class? I think i just become a hermit when given the chance. I am trying so hard to get away from that easy road. I am reaching back into myself and finding that organic, feminine place within me. I am connecting with my soul again.

I’ve started playing guitar again. Jay and I fell in love because of the guitar and now he is giving me lessons again. I find myself sitting in the living room playing for hours at a time. This time I am doing it for myself and I love it even more. We are buying drums sometime in the next few months, maybe our dream of starting a band will actually become a reality.

I make time to practice yoga every day when I get home from work. I have about an hour each day to myself and I cherish this time.

I am finding myself again, growing into someone I’ve always wanted to be. I’m trying so hard to be positive and love myself unconditionally…it’s tougher than it seems but I know it’ll get easier. Spring has begun and it has filled me with optimism.

Ps.

Jay tells me that we should start talking about marriage and buying a home for ourselves…I am so excited about the present and future!