Cloudbusting

I’m starting this up again in hopes that it will spark some creativity within me. I feel so boring as of late and I haven’t done much to remedy the situation until now.  I think this is a good start.

Life has been moving along quite smoothly. While I do enjoy the little bubble Jay and I live in I feel the need to reconnect with more females in my age group, with my interests. Something is lost in not having those types of connections with other women. I think I sort of gave up on friends because I’ve been disappointed by them over the years. When I really think about it I’ve never had a loyal, trustworthy friend in my life. Jay is definitely my best friend and can be so many things to me…but a girl is definitely something he will never be. I’m starting another tribal belly dancing class this summer and I can hardly stand the wait! Dancing has always been so important to me and I just know that this will lighten my spirit.

There are so many changes coming our way in the next year or so. Everything was moving at a snails pace and now it’s like dominos falling. Next month we will be moving into our first home together, we’re going to rent my sister’s house while she and her husband are stationed in Alabama. We consider this a trial run; practice for our very own home which we will be buying after the year is up. Jay started a new job yesterday and with that comes the promise of a wedding and…drum roll please…..a baby! I’m so very excited for all our plans. Being a mother, preparing my body for this, preparing my mind for this is the most important thing to me right now. With that comes the need to resolve some important things from my past.

I am trying so desperately hard to stop with the self-mutilation. It is not extreme, there are no sharp objects involved but it is still a day to day struggle. From what I’ve read this is very common in children and adults that have been sexually abused. When I was younger I used to use pins or tacks to carve into my skin, I never thought anything of it until I spoke to Jay about this. It opened up my eyes. Now I just sort of pick at myself, any little imperfection…anywhere. It’s disgusting and im totally disgusted with myself but I feel a sort of freedom in admitting it to whomever is reading this. Doing it relieves anxiety in some strange way, I suffer a great deal from anxiety…I’ve never taken any meds for that. I just know I’d get addicted to them. I am improving. I don’t do it as much and when I notice myself doing it I try really hard to stop. I try to remind myself of how I feel afterward. As I type this I find myself pausing to scan my cuticles, doing what I’ve just told myself I wouldnt. It’s hard not to get down on myself, negative self-talk is my specialty. Jay reminds me all the time of how much faith he has in me and the changes I am making, he tells me I’m beautiful when I do want to look in the mirror. I am so grateful to have a man that loves me and supports me through everything, I feel like I am completely myself around him and I am never judged. I am so blessed to have him.

Wow, I didn’t plan on all of this but I’m glad to have a space to collect my thoughts and record them. I’m hoping to come back to this a year from now and mark all the changes I’ve made. Life can be difficult sometimes but I have found that if I just relax things seem to go easily…now if I can just learn to relax :)